An excellent book to read if you are searching how your past as a child now affects your adult self, is to read Dr. Nicole LaPera, Reparenting the Inner Child.
In her book she writes about healing. We all wonder why we act in certain ways like going to anger easily, or being a perfectionist, a workaholic, difficulty talking about our feelings or embarrassment over showing outward emotions.
We go to these behaviours naturally without having to think most times. This is because they are coping skills we have learned to adopt through our lives to present day. “They are responses that our nervous system’s has placed to protect ourselves. But they are not the full truth of who we are. They are ways we have found to keep us safe.
Habits also are something we do without thinking. Examples of some habits we adopt are downplaying our strengths and accomplishments, saying sorry when there is nothing to be sorry about or avoiding conflict.
Some habits actually help us stay connected to our authentic self. Authenticity is important because it aligns our internal beliefs with your outward actions. It allows us to act ourselves, which enables us to reduce mental stress, builds deep trust, and drives personal and professional growth.
Every time we repeat a behaviour or habit the brain strengthens the neural pathway and makes it easier to repeat.
People sometimes feel the sense of being stuck because they see the same pattern happen in their lives more than once, they wonder why. The good news, if our brain can strengthen pathways of behaviours that don’t serve us well, when we act out healthy, good behaviours our brain will strengthen them as well. That is why recognizing the behaviours or habits that are not healthy and changing them for good behaviour we can make positive changes in our lives.
Habits are created through something that neurologists call “habit loops.”
Dr. LaPera explains that they work in 3 parts, cues, action and reward. The cue prompts the brain that it is time to do something. The action is the behaviour you carry out. The reward is the benefit your brain receives from the action. It can feel good and the body want to repeat the action in the future.
A good example of that is feeding your dog or cat. If you own a pet, you probably have wondered how your pet knows when it is feeding time? You began a pattern by deciding you will feed them every evening at 5pm. In time your pet catches on. He or she becomes hungry every evening as it gets closer to 5. You might find if 5pm comes and goes and no food, your pet might get louder and more persistent. You get up from your task you are trying to finish and feed your pet. Their brain locks in the successful feeding time and the habit is locked into the habit loop.
It is like the trails in a wood or in nature. The common pathways used most often form a path wearing away the grass or ground cover, making it apparent that it is the path to go. Similar to what happens in our brain, pathways are formed, which is an excellent example of neural plasticity.
Dopamine a neurotransmitter is responsible for the brain and body to feel good when we repeat a habit loop. Like having dessert every night after dinner!
Along with our brain storing actions it also maps our sensations in our body and linking them with our emotions.
From a young age when we felt anxious or stressed maybe your shoulders begin to creep up closer to your ears and you felt very tense. This is a very common pattern we adopt. Our brain links physical sensations to emotional cues. This is called brain-body mapping.
We all have cues, actions, sensations and rewards that are a pattern to our own individuality. The question is, are they healthy, do they serve you well? Usually not all of them do. The difficulty is recognizing them as they happen so automatically and deciding if they are good for you.
A while ago I wondered why often by the end of my day my head hurt each evening, affecting my evening time quality. It occurred always on my right side. One day I noticed that at work and on the drive home my right shoulder was pulled up. It was a discovery that took a while to become present enough each day to notice it and correct the posture and hence the sensation.
It can be difficult to catch the habit that has been formed. It requires that you can be as present as possible in your day to catch it. It’s the same as a thought that keeps coming into your brain.
For example, possibly you were brought up in a home where scarcity was a common pattern. Now when you think about money, or a task looming ahead that day you have to complete, like paying some bills. Every time you think about it you get this feeling in the pit of your stomach of dread. Its a pattern to notice and ask why and how to fix it. Then at that point you can change the scarcity story to a more realistic view to enable you a healthy outlook on money.
So how do you become more present? Here are some ideas of how to do that:
1. Journalling is an excellent way. It is an individual preference when you choose to journal, however, evening is suggested to “dump” the day on a page. Journalling forces our brains to reflect. In doing that it allows us to create a real story of what actually happened in your day. You can then wonder and ask yourself:
Why did I do that?
Have I reacted that way before?
How can I react differently the next time?
In doing that you will see patterns and areas that you wish to change in your future. Journalling also allows you to leave the emotion on the page and not in your head. You can then leave it there and have a peaceful evening.
2. Saying “Mantras” to yourself every day.
The word mantra comes from Sanskrit, combining manas meaning “mind," and tra meaning "tool" or "vehicle". It translates as a "tool for the mind" designed to shape consciousness and quiet mental chatter.
The mantra can be an action you want to become a habit or something you want to obtain in your future. For example, “I am travelling the world” or “When I am anxious, I take deep breaths to move me out of the anxiety.”
Always word the mantra in the present tense with positivity, as if you already have what you wish for. Say if you want to be successful in something, do not write a mantra that says “I want to be…” change it to “I am.”
It works best if you write or type the mantra of your intention, and hang it in places you will see often. For example, on a wall in your bedroom or stuck to your bathroom mirror, in a book you are currently reading, in your car or in your journal. Whenever you see the mantra as you go about your day, read it out loud. Even vary the mantra to more than one, from room to room, and placed elsewhere. That way you can work on more than one mantra at a time.
Say the mantra out loud so that you can hear yourself saying the words.
3. Practice single-tasking: Commit fully to one activity at a time. Whether you are washing dishes, walking a dog, or drinking coffee. By paying attention to the actual textures, smells, and movements involved and most importantly, your thought structure and habits.
4. Have an end of day reflection.
I have a sticky note that reminds me, it reads,
- Before I go to bed- “write down one thing I did well today and one thing I could improve on.”
- And say “thank you” to my body and mind out loud for what it did for me today.
- Then think on it with reflection for a few minutes and smile and say “I did it today!”
5. Limit digital distractions: Put away your phone, turn off unnecessary notifications, and set strict time limits on electronic devices to reduce mental overload. As long as we have digital distractions, we will never stay present and be clear on our thoughts and actions. How many of you scroll on your phones mindlessly losing hours of time, you can never get back?
6. Meditation. It speaks for itself! Most people hesitate to meditate as it is difficult at first to shut off our mind. There are many apps and “how to’s” to get you started. The key here is to keep at it. Jay Shetty, a Tibetan monk and national podcaster say that every meditation time will be different. Sometimes given the day we can concentrate and other days are frustrating. He even mentions that it’s okay if you fall asleep in meditation…that’s what you body needed at the time. Don’t judge yourself, be patient.
I hope these tips help you to have an intentional life!
Stay tuned for other blogs on our brain and staying present.